I didn't know at the time that this little angel would change my world. I had never seen Autism at this age. There was so much I didn't know. At times, I still wish I didn't know. Dealing with Autism sucks, it really does. It's awful because you have this child, this beautiful loving child, and at times you don't know what they are thinking, feeling, or saying. Your heart aches to fill the gaps...but mostly, you learn to that you would do anything to make him happy. Yes, we are blessed to have a socially autistic child. He is so loving, thank god, because it is that love that saves his butt daily. Trevor and I had a "discussion" recently and he felt that I was being too tough on him in regards to baseball. I explained that I was teaching him, that I loved baseball and saw a future for him because he seemed to share the same love of baseball and possesses some solid skills. I told him that I correct him because I love him. He didn't quite get that concept until I reminded him how much I correct Darren on a daily basis. Again. I do so because I love him and expect a lot from him. And I do. But I never expect Darren to be "normal" I just expect Darren to be his best. I force him to use his words, not make sounds. I want him to follow rules and I follow through if he doesn't'. I want him to try to new things, be a part of society, so that he can teach others, not so that he conforms...so that others may learn. It isn't easy to take Darren places, it never has been, and maybe never will be. But that isn't going to stop me from trying. Yes, I get frustrated. I did so today in fact.The boys had a day off and we headed to the Airplane Museum. We were having a wonderful time, until we ventured towards the observation deck. As we approached, I saw that we had to wait for the elevator to return allowing us to go up. Darren, instantly charged toward the button on the elevator...I grabbed him before he got there, but the lady working there turned toward Darren and said " well you young man may not be allowed up there". Now, I have had this feeling once before where Darren was younger. The old man at the Starbucks told him Santa was watching blah blah blah...and I left there in tears. Well, I turned to this lady and said that he was Autistic and he didn't understand that he had to wait. She interrupted me and said "then you should have had his hand". Excuse me???? "You try a day in MY shoes old lady" is what I really wanted to say. I am not using Autism as an excuse...I was sharing my soul, she obviously wasn't interested. Not all people that we encounter will be. That's life.
It isn't easy. Doesn't mean I don't love him immensely...it just isn't' easy. I feel like I have to have eyes on him 24/7. He is sneaky, manipulative, and non-stop. For example, he loves watching the toilet flush, he will pee small amounts just so he can watch the swirl. He won't leave the bathroom until the tank has filled. He spins anything and everything. I have found him with jewerly, lightbulbs, parts of a flashlight amongst many others. Mark says if the they had spinning in the Olympics, Darren would have a gold medal. True. There seems to be something calming in spinning. Darren also pays great attention to minor details. He is extremely focused in this one activity. I don't have all the answers, I probably never will.
The noises instead of words is what drives me crazy, and yet, there was a time that I thought he would never talk. Funny how expectations change. I guess I am so happy that he IS verbal, that at times I expect the moon. Maybe, I should delight in the sunrise.
And then there is this sweet boy. A boy that I KNOW loves me. Who looks to me for understanding, discipline, and love. My life may end up being dedicated to all of those things. HE didn't ask for Autism. None of us did. Life is just complicated sometimes. Autism is very complicated. It forces you, IT FORCES ME, to trust my gut, to speak my mind, to speak the words that I think Darren is thinking. It forces me to connect deeply with this child, to step outside of my comfort zone and be a different person. And this is just the how Darren has influenced me. Trevor is another can of worms:) I guarentee you all that all of this was NOT in any parent manual.
Darren IS love, but Darren isn't easy.
